Wow....life is changing so fast....

So tired.

Disconnected? Me?

I have been dealing with yet another emotional blow from my mother.  I don't know why I try really.  I am tired of her manipulations. 

She was telling me about a family reunion for her brothers and sisters and all of us cousins.  She asked if I had gotten anything on it yet, and I said.."no...but I usually don't...." (which is understandable...there are 40 of us first cousins!).  She then proceeds to tell me, "well...it's not like you are all that connected to us anyway anymore."  Hmm.....I call her 1 to 2 times a month for 6 years after we move to where we live now.....she calls me, IF she remembers, on my birthday.   So...I tried an experiment a couple of years ago...I decide NOT to call her and see how long it takes for her to want to contact me.  I still write her emails (that she never answers), I write her letters, (which never get answered)...and I don't hear from her for 3 months...and then I "hear from her" because I cave in and call her.  So since then...I don't call her that much.  Why bother?  She doesn't talk to me except to tell me how rotten it is that we live so far away (as if I can change where God wanted us to be!!!!) and that we are horrible to never come see them (umm....we used to live one driving day away from them.....in 10 years there, we went and visited them at least 15 times...they came to see us...like 3?) 

I am done.  I cannot deal with this anymore.  I cannot be whatever it is she wants me to be.  I am 39 years old, the mother of 5, and I cannot let her continue to destroy me everytime she has a toxic moment.

How do I do that?  How do I stop the toxicity and yet still "honor my mother"?

Set boundaries people say.  You try that with my mother. HA

It seems as though maybe I should become as disconnected as she accuses me of being.  I will stay in contact with my brothers and sisters, cousins, grandmother and aunts and uncles...but maybe I need to let her have what she seems to desire above all else...for me not to exist, at least for her, so that she can be the neglected, burdened mother that she seems to need to be.

Why do women.....

misinterpret Scripture to say what they want it to? and ignore the other parts?

I know we all do that to a certain degree...but I am talking about women who want to beat their husbands over the heads with the fact that the husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the Church and that if he (the husband) is not in unity with the wife...his prayer life will be hindered...and yet...do not even want to try to be in submission to their husbands?

UGH...

We truly live in a world where people want their rights rather than deal with THEIR OWN responsiblities.

She's gone........

Today, I did something really hard. 

One of the hardest things I have EVER done (except for watching my second born be held down by uncaring nurses trying to get a blood sample when there WAS a better way to do it..if they just would have listened!, and except for my third born nearly severing her fingertip off when she was one year old....) I did today.

I let my 17 year old walk off in an airport and board a plane headed for the UK. 

My heart was in my throat and my stomach was somewhere around my knees.

I wanted to weep...but all I could do was smile and wave and tell her I loved her.

I waved. My husband waved.  I couldn't look at him because I'd burst into tears if I did...at the pain and pride in his eyes which so reflected what I was feeling.

I know some would say she had no business going, that her place was at home with me and her family.

But I disagree for 3 reasons.

1)She was called to do this trip.  She KNEW the Lord was asking her to do something hard to bring some lost someone into His fold...or at least encourage another Christian who was struggling in their faith.  We know that this was from God...because we all (and our church ) prayed about it..and then all the funds and then some for the trip practically fell into our laps...as well as the peace and the many confirmations (one being that one of her friends from youth group has been praying for her older sister to not be hard toward the Lord and to church.  My daughter befriended a young lady in her travel group...and they have a good thing going...when lo and behold who does that young lady turn out to be....but the older sister!)

2)This was not easy for her to do.  And God does not call us to do EASY things for Him....He calls us for that which we feel the least equipped...and then HE equips us.  We have seen His Hand in this from day one.  Her heart is to share the Gospel....and being homeschooled...she has been limited in her reach...until now.

3)The peace.  Even though it was hard to let her go today...there is this incredible peace surrounding the whole thing.....she is where she is supposed to be.

This is not a trip she could have done if she were older and married.  This is not a trip she could have done on her own, without the provision and power of the Lord.

That said......

it still was very hard to let her spread her wings today and fly.

I am just glad she'll be home soon (about 3 weeks).